I was way, way late to the Gilmore Girls train. I never ever watched it when it was originally on tv and truthfully didn’t even think about watching it back then. But this past September, I was looking for a show to watch while I was working and Gilmore Girls kept calling my name. After one episode, I was hooked. I obsessively watched day in and day out. Working, folding laundry, cooking all involved Lorelai and Rory. Usually coffee too because well, #gilmoregirls.
I quite often shared about my addiction (infatuation? passion? mania?) on Instagram, especially my stories with endless clips of the show and most especially, the opening credits “WHERE YOU LEEEADDDD, I WILL FOLLOWWWWW” Honestly, I don’t think any show opening will ever come close to being as good as that. As I got closer to the end, it would almost make me cry. Truly. Like old friends, this song, the town, the characters felt so comfortable and such a part of my every day life.
Anyway, this whole love affair and then emotional moment when I finished the entire series, got me thinking. Why am I so attached and upset about this show ending? Who cares? I mean, yes, it’s great and endearing and wonderfully done but why do I feel a true, serious ache that I can no longer watch this show? In all seriousness, this brought me to a moment of pause. I get it, you’re thinking, “come on, Page. this is only a televsion show, not the long lost love of your life.” But I’m telling you, something about this show ending caused me to reflect on why I would react in this way.
Then I sat in the Stop & Shop parking lot, about to run in to pick up a butternut squash for dinner and it hit me:
I don’t like endings. Goodbyes. Changes.
I began to realize, thinking back, that I had always been this way. Every time I have faced a chapter ending, a major goodbye or a change in lifestyle, school or home, I was melancholy and had a heart full of ache. When I love something, someone, some place, I love it fully and wholly. That is who I am through and through so I feel these moments with my entire heart and soul. When I graduated high school, I cried every day for weeks. When I moved out of my parents house, it felt like I was having a part of my body removed. When Peter and I moved from our first apartment, it felt as though I was mourning a death. I even cried when we sold our old cars! And that is the truth! I took pictures of them in the parking lot of the dealership and cried. A chapter had ended. A new one always begins with such joy but I always sorrowful over the ending of the moments tied to those places, people and things.
I love the familiar and the feeling of familiarity. The feeling of walking into a place and being overwhelmed with warmth and immediate comfort, of dressing in a piece of clothing that has been worn on countless occasions, the feeling of sitting with an old, dear friend you’ve known for years. I love these things because I know them well. Tried and true. It’s like an old baseball glove, it’s all worn in and comfortable and your hand fits just so. This is how I love life.
The reality is that life isn’t always like that. And of course I can live with and come to accept that. I will, however, always give myself that time to be sad and sit in that moment reflecting and cherishing the memories. Because that is who I am and while it often makes changes or endings difficult for me, I love that about myself.